Where do I even begin? Many of us don't get the luxury of planning every aspect of our parenting journey. Sometimes, it just happens, and sometimes, it's meticulous planning, but regardless of how you enter it, parenting is one of the most challenging roles we take on. It's hard as hell being a parent when you're also working through your trauma.
As I wrote in my book, A Case of the F&$!#%k-Its!, becoming a mother was a blessing, and I'm eternally grateful for my children. But what I didn't expect was that I'd still be navigating my trauma while simultaneously raising them.
As mothers, we are often criticized when discussing how challenging this role is. It's hard as HELL! It's the most difficult job I've ever done because you're responsible for another human being. You must keep them safe, ensure they are completely well, and nurture them through rain, sleet, snow, sickness, and health. It's a relentless 24/7 commitment that's physically, emotionally, and mentally taxing.
I'm in therapy once a week, and it has made such a difference to be able to talk through the frustrations I have with my children. My son is reaching puberty, and for most of my career, I taught middle school—a stage that I don't like. I love my child, but everything that comes along with middle school—hormones, mood swings, and boundary-pushing behavior—is like nails on a chalkboard to me. There's a constant tension between wanting to guide him through it and wanting to scream into a pillow.
My daughter, on the other hand, still wants to be a baby and clings to me like Velcro. While I'm grateful she's so attached, it can be overwhelming, especially when I'm dealing with my own anxiety or depression. There are days when I only want a moment of silence, but I must keep showing up. This relentless pressure can trigger old wounds and emotions I thought I'd already processed. I try my best not to let my anxiety or frustration spill over into my interactions with my children, but I'm not always successful.
Parenting through trauma means confronting your triggers head-on. It means recognizing that sometimes your reactions aren't about your child's behavior but your unresolved issues. Therapy helps me unpack this, but staying self-aware is a constant struggle.
By being honest and open, I can show my children what it means to persevere through difficult times and seek help when needed. I want them to see that healing is a journey, not a destination. Some days, I feel like I'm failing miserably, but I know that showing up, flawed and vulnerable, is still better than not showing up at all. There's a history of mothers not raising their children in my family, so I will be damned if I don't raise mine.
If you're a parent working through trauma, know that you're not alone. It's OK to say it's hard. It's OK to say you're struggling. It doesn't make you a bad parent. It makes you human. My journey is ongoing, and I'm doing my best to raise these incredible little humans while I continue to heal myself.
And that's what I want for my children, too—to know that life is messy and imperfect but that we're always stronger for facing our challenges head-on.
With gratitude and a dash of courage,
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